A Letter to my Husband

I feel like I have so much to say, so much i wait all day to share with you....and not only do you not wanna hear it, you dont even care that i have things to say. what you have to say is more important. if i call yo out on it, you will dramatically give me the floor, flustering me and making me forget what i even wanted to say. thats my biggest problem lately. its not any one thing that i didnt get to say, its the millions of things that get interrupted, ignored, laughed at...sometimes all at once....it makes me feel small, and unheard....which youve told me not to feel. if i tell you i feel that way, youll tell me to stop it. youll tell me its not your fault in the least. of course it isnt...it never is....i tell you proudly that i didnt shop today, something youve been asking me to keep under wraps (understandably) and what do you say? "well you should have bought THAT." well im freaking sorry....i really am....and now to hear you purposfully put off your day off for extra pay. sure you have to sign waivers, bc its against the law for you to work it...and its ok that i told you 2 weeks ago i wanted to go to a meet up tonight...it doesnt matter....it never does....

A night to remember

I was a little stoned as I shed my clothes and slid between the sheets. Laying back, I snuggled into my pillow, trying to shrug off the chill of autumn. My nipples brushed against the flannel sheet, and I found myself tracing my fingers in the same fashion. A chill ran down my spine, and I reached for my book. No use, he would be in as soon as coffee was ready for the morning. I smiled to myself, at the simple predictable things that made me happy. I never have to make coffee again since I taught him to do it.

I read my book for about 10 minutes, enough time to get drowsy. When he came to bed, I simply set my book down, turned out my light, and happily snuggled into his embrace. It feels nice to be held once in a while.

I felt his finger trace down my side. Could that just be a twitch? Lips brushed my neck, and I filled with longing. He was taking his sweet time, and the suspense was painfully sweet.

The rest of the details don't need to be written, but suffice to say i wont soon forget that night.

Rambling thoughts

I really dont think other peoples minds are as scattered and vibrant as mine. If they are, I must be a much weaker person. I am bipolar, and I know what to look for regarding that, but I am also medicated. I know, meds dont fix everything. I of all people agree with that, but like I said, I know what is the bipolar and how to respond to it. It seems that every time I sit to write, I can think of a million things to complain about, a million ways my day was "completely ruined" and rarely do I first think of the happy things.

Today for example, I could complain that I had to get up with the kids, even tho I was sick yesterday. I could complain that I did all of the housework that was done today, even tho I still am very achy. I really want to complain that I havent been babied one little bit since Ive been sick.

But even as I reread what is written, I see how petty it all is. If those are the worst aspects of my day, well, Ive had a pretty good day.

I have a lot to say. I want to write often, but I always stop, in fear of what people will think. When I think about it, I have to laugh. One person has a link to my blog, and I know she isnt going to judge my thought. Not after years of being so non judgmental. I havent been overly social lately. With anyone. My bi polar moods sometimes swing so fast, I dont like to have anyone catch the wrath of it. I know it makes my moods spiral to be anti social, I know that even a simple conversation with the check out clerk at the grocery store can boost my mood. I am a people person. I need people. But I fear myself. My mother worded it right. She said to me "I think sometimes I am accidentally inappropriate." That is a perfect way of describing it. Sometimes I am inappropriately angry, over simple silly things that strike a wrong chord. Sometimes I am overly open, spilling more details about certain topics, that other people really didnt need to know. Occasionally I catch myself, think about it, and do it anyways. Not because I dont care about social graces, but because I want the listener to understand EXACTLY what I am trying to convey. I always regret this "quirk" about me showing up.

Today wasnt a great day, but it wasnt a horrible day. It has the potential though. My dear darling husband is due home any minute, and with my mood so precariously balanced on this side of sane, one can never predict how I will feel. Chances are I can make it through the night without causing a fight. Chances are also that I will have hurt feelings before dinner. Perhaps I am too sensitive. Let me rephrase that. I am too sensitive, but I have yet to find a way to dull my emotions any more than they are.

Impossible choices

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not satisfied with my sex life. Let me clarify. The sex we have is always, without fail, awesome. I can count on one hand the number of times we have had substandard sex in the 9 years we have been together. I'd say thats a pretty good track record. My issue is the frequency. When we first got together, we had sex multiple times a day, despite his 16 hour rotating shiftwork schedule. As time went on, and we married, it slowed down to a normal pace. Several times per week. Nothing to complain about, right?

2 years ago, his desire stopped. I can now count on one hand the number of times we have had sex this year. I feel (do not read "he makes me feel" because I do not believe in that) ashamed of my sexual desires. I believe he truly has no desire. I know he is not cheating on me (he has no time, trust me).

So, what is my impossible choice? I have discovered the cause. He drinks. A lot. 200-400ml of whiskey per night. Thats 7-14 shots per night. Thats ridiculous. I did not see this as a problem because he doesnt drink until the children are in bed. He still gets up and goes to work and makes a living. He is good at his job, regularly getting internal "rewards" from his company for his attention to detail and efficiency. He is a great father, balancing firm discipline (which i lack) and loving fun with them. My mother even said she was wrong about him being too hard on the children the last time she visited. But his one escape, his one happy place that is truly his own, is causing me constant stress and unhappiness.

He doesnt treat me poorly when he drinks. I actually see very little difference in his behavior between sober and drinking (he says he doesnt get drunk...). But I havent had sex in almost 2 months. It is driving me crazy. He says thats I obsess about it, that I should be happy with all the other wonderful things in my life (and I am! I know my life is one to envy...at least i envy it sometimes hehe) But I am a woman....at the beginning of my sexual "peak"....and i can do nothing. (And trust me people, doing it yourself doesnt cut it after a while...)

So what do I choose? Try to take away his happiness? Or live the rest of my days unwillingly chaste?

Night time. Kitties everywhere. Running, pouncing, climbing. In a week, 3 will remain. We are keeping Mama cat. She is a wild cat. She lives outside, kills rodents, and comes around for attention a few times a day. She is also fixed. We are also keeping Boy cat (yes we suck at naming our cats). He is cute, cuddly, a little bit dumb, but a good cat. He was from Mother cat's first litter (not to be confused with Mama, who had that name when we got her.) We are also keeping the kitten now dubbed Skippy John Jones (aptly named after the childrens story book character of that name, who is also a Siamese cat) Skippy is being kept mostly because he is the only discernible male in this second litter of Whore (err I mean Mother) cats. The newest litter will be 8 weeks on Thursday. I like to keep kittens until they wean, but c'mon. We have 10 cats, including the kittens, in this house. This 3 bedroom, 2 bath modular home that we are renting.

I cannot wait until we can buy a house. Even if it were THIS house, if it were mine, I could justify spending money to upgrade it. A couple additions, new flooring....a dishwasher I don't have to tilt forward while loading it. Realistically it will only be another couple years until we are ready. If i stopped retail therapy, stuck to a tight budget, started cloth diapering and baking bread again, we could do it in a year. But thats so not me.

My oldest turns 7 on May 18th. Her party is this coming Saturday. This is her first real party, where she invited friends from school. Me, wanting the world and the moon for my mini me, and ever the over achiever, I let her invite all 22 classmates. Now, we have a huge backyard. I'd guesstimate we have an acre of mowed property. And as of now the weather forecast is cooperating. I still believe it will be no big deal. I am also prepared for when I am proven wrong, and I need to scramble to accomplish all that I need to.

A brief glimpse....

Well, today is a cool 56 degrees, but lots of sunshine. We will be going outside to play. My oldest stayed home from school today. That was partially her fault, but mostly mine. I ignored my alarm, I ignored my son (3) when he came in and said that her ride was here. After a brief moment of consideration, I took him into my arms and we snuggled in bed instead of waking up. My husband leaves at some dark time of the morning. Sometime around 6am or so. We usually get up at 7, and her ride to school gets here around 7:40. Normally, my husband gets home at around 4:15, which is great. Today is a common exception. Today he is working a double and will not be home until closer to midnight. I dread days like today. It makes me feel like my day is twice as long, even tho he is only missing dinner, and then bedtime routine.

Don't get me wrong. My life is great...on paper. I have 4 beautiful children. 2 girls and 2 boys. They are all about 2 years apart. Kairi will be 7 in a couple weeks, Taryn will be 5 in August. Charlie just turned 3, and Alex was 1 in January. We live in a tiny little town in rural Michigan. My husband has a job that he loves, where he makes enough money that I do not have to work. This is all I ever wanted. I just never thought it would be so hard. I'm not sure what I thought life would be like, but I am finally learning to function. I suffer from bi polar disorder, as well as anxiety disorder. It is medicated and under control, but that doesn't mean I don't still have a hard time once in a while.

I suppose no one is always happy, and I think this is the greatest lesson I have learned lately. It seems I always say to myself, when this happens, I will be happy. As soon as we get through this, I will be happy. I have spent the past 6 years saying this, and in the process, I have lost all that time. No time for regrets though, especially if I am to succeed in my new take on life.

Part of my inspiration comes from FlyLady (flylady.net) whose insistence that you can do anything for 15 minutes (you really can), that doing things halfway is still better than NOT doing it, and to always make things fun has done wonders for my house and the happiness of my family.

My husband is another portion of my inspiration. His insistence that life will never be fair, and that I need to just get over it has helped me see that the world owes me nothing if I am unwilling to work for it.

I feel like I finally grew up as well. A dear friend of mine told me (and I have yet to do the research) that the synapses in the brain between the right side (Hey, isn't this a really fun idea?) and the left side (That's a stupid dangerous idea!) doesn't full form until around age 30. She told me this soon after I came to the realizations that only I could make my life worth living. (I think i said something along the lines of "There must be something wrong with me, because I am almost 30, Ive been married for 8 years, and I am just NOW starting to get it?") I should get around to doing the research on that. Perhaps once my long day is over with!

Thank you so much for starting this journey with me!